Love, Life And Lingerie: Turning Thirty... and none the wiser

A few weeks ago, I turned thirty. I looked forward to it like the second coming of Jesus, planned an expensive party, told everyone with a pulse, counted down like an inmate awaits release. You see, the twenties were not kind to me. I stumbled. I fell. I repeated mistake after mistake. But I always regarded it as a throw away decade. All the older women in my life (read Oprah and my mom) said they were a mess in their twenties and that things only got better in the thirties. And I so I believed, wished, and prayed for change. YES WE CAN.

Imagine my surprise when I awoke on August 26th, 2008, no wiser, thinner, or better groomed. So since I can detect no visible change, I have decided to tally exactly where I am in the process (that exact process being "the road to fabulousity").

In high school I recorded the below in my journal. Let's see where I am...

By 30, you should have:

One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you’ve come. CHECK
A decent piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family. CHECK
Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour. CHECK
A purse, a suitcase and an umbrella you’re not ashamed to be seen carrying. my suitcase is a little raggedy so I can't really claim this just yet.
A youth you’re content to move beyond. CHECK!!!
A past juicy enough that you’re looking forward to retelling it in your old age. CHECK
The realization that you are actually going to have an old age—and some money set aside to help fund it. CHECK although in the last 10 days it has all dwindled to pennies. THANKS US HOUSING CRISIS!
An e-mail address, a voice mailbox and a bank account—all of which nobody has access to but you. CHECK
A résumé that is not even the slightest bit padded. hmmm how do you defined padded?
One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry. CHECK
A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill and a black lace bra. CHECK, CHECK and CHECK
Something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it. CHECK
The belief that you deserve it. CHECK
A skin-care regimen, an exercise routine and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don’t get better after 30. I have a routine but am not close to actually following it
A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship and all those other facets of life that do get better. define "solid start", define "satisfying", define "relationship"... maybe we should just forget that one...

By 30, you should know:

How to fall in love without losing yourself. no clue
How you feel about having kids. want them, can't afford them but definitely want them
How to quit a job, break up with a man and confront a friend without ruining the friendship. have yet to do one of these successfully
When to try harder and when to walk away. again, no clue
How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn’t like to happen next. what if you dont know what you want to happen next?
The names of: the secretary of state, your great-grandmother and the best tailor in town. Jesus this is getting embarassing
How to live alone, even if you don’t like to. this I can do!
How to take control of your own birthday. LOL, nope
That you can’t change the length of your calves, the width of your hips or the nature of your parents. still fighting this pointless fight
That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it’s over. i still struggle with this one
What you would and wouldn’t do for money or love. you think you know and then...
That nobody gets away with smoking, drinking, doing drugs or not flossing for very long. this, i know
Who you can trust, who you can’t and why you shouldn’t take it personally. YESSSS
Not to apologize for something that isn’t your fault. only in the last year
Why they say life begins at 30. Please god let this be true